A Conversation with My Internal Therapist...

Do you ever feel like you get yourself caught in this downward spiral and you are fighting against it with all your might but somehow it just sucks you down anyway? Then you get mad at yourself for giving in to the spiral—which only furthers the downward spiral? Yeah, that’s how it was for me this morning.

Mostly I would consider myself a happy-go-lucky kinda gal. You know, not easily depressed or flustered, usually looking at the bright side of things…the cup is half-full type of perspective. In fact, my college roommate has accused me of being ‘too positive’. I think I’m still guilty of that moniker. Most of the time anyway.

But then come those ‘spurts’. No, not those kind of ‘spurts’—the ones that keep you chained to the toilet. The ‘spurts’ of time where you just don’t feel like yourself. It happens to me from time to time. Usually it centers around feeling out of control and struggling with my own self esteem. Not that I ever have truly astounding self-esteem, but in the low spurts, my self-esteem really hits the bottom. I find myself playing the comparison game with EVERYTHING! I compare myself to people on TV, in my office, at church, in Bible Study, at Target and Cub Foods, at the gym, etc. and so on. And I always come up short. I’m either…not pretty enough, thin enough, funny enough, savvy enough, dressed good enough, not spiritual enough, confident enough, talented enough, cool enough. Or I’m not fit enough, organized enough, a good enough wife/friend/sister, not fashionable enough, smart enough. I think about what other people think about me at the most random moments, like when I’m driving in my car. I don’t want people to see me eat in my car because I think they will judge me as being fat and lazy…even if I’m eating an apple on my way to the gym! I will smile and say hi to a stranger in the hall at my new work just to be nice, but immediately after they pass I am flooded with thoughts wondering in what way that stranger is now critiquing me. What is that about?!!? It’s making me feel crazy just typing about it…because it goes against my nature. I find myself thinking self-defeating thoughts like ‘duh Holly, you are so lame. What a loser.’ I think all sorts of destructive thoughts about my appearance, my abilities, whatever. Where does that come from?

When it all boils down, I KNOW what is true about me. And all those negative thoughts are not true. I cannot control what others think about me, but in reality, I am sure what others think about me is much better then I give them credit for! So what causes these ‘spurts’ of what I like to call ‘fear and self-loathing’?

There are a few factors I could attribute it to. For example…my face has been breaking out more than normal lately. No one feels pretty when they have red swellings all over their face. Also, I’ve been very good about working out regularly…5-6 times a week as I work myself up to running a 10K in August. But despite the regular workouts and my attempts (not always successful, mind you) at eating healthy, the scale has only budged a few pounds. I had hoped for more. No one feels thin and fit when they’ve been working out and have little to show for it. My life has been super busy lately too…which inevitably makes me feel a little out of control. Usually because there are a hundred and one things that I want to be doing…or doing better…and most of them I am not able to get to at all. No one feels successful, organized and put together when their life feels like a whirlwind swirling around them. And then there is the stuff that I’m really not so great at…those things I have come to accept that I will never be good at. They just seem so much more amplified and exaggerated when I’m caught in the spiral.

But when it really comes down to it, I know what really settles me into these ‘spurts’ of ‘not me-ness’ is my lack of interaction with my Saviour. I have had such little interaction with Jesus lately on a personal level. I connected with Him on Easter, shedding tears as I remembered his death, and my heart bursting with joy at His resurrection. But besides that? Not much. I haven’t had quiet times…not even once a week. My times of prayer have been scattered, brief and unfocused. When our Bible Study leader asks ‘How’s your walk going?’ I remain deadly silent. Because that is what my walk has been…dead. I feel shameful just admitting that. My brain is going into the ‘Holly’s not good enough’ mode. Not spiritual enough is what it is saying. Not connected enough to her Lord.

But I know it is me heaping on the shame and blame. Not Jesus. He waits for me in silence with love and tenderness. He waits to welcome me back with compassion and caring. He waits. And I want to run back to Him. I do. And I will. It reminds me of the song lyrics which say “I’m coming back to the heart of worship…and it’s all about You…It’s all about You Jesus. I’m sorry Lord for the thing that I’ve made it. It’s all about You…It’s all about You Jesus.”

Well…if you’ve hung on throughout my entire session with my “Internal Therapist” (whew…it was long!) you’ve come to discover (as have I) that my ‘Internal Therapist’ actually is Jesus. He’s been speaking to my heart, convicting me where needed, comforting me where needed and reminding me of What I Know Is True! Best of all…His invoice is marked ‘Paid in Full’!

So now you know a little more about the ‘crazy’ side of me. Chances are I’m not so crazy after all. In fact, some of you may be able to relate a little bit. Maybe even a lot. The rest of you will just think I’m crazy. That’s okay. Just don’t tell me. It could set off one of my ‘spurts’. Just Kidding! Well…maybe not…

Thanks to all who have cared to read on this far! Maybe this long entry means the blog is making a comeback! I certainly hope so…