Philosophical

Today I am face to face with my humanity. My human nature, the nature I am born with separate from God. The human nature that we all have. It’s our human nature, along with the absence of God (an absence which we impose, not Him) and the attacks of Satan which fuel our sin, our selfish-ness, our strongholds, addictions and wayward emotions. God, and our faith in Him, is the complete opposite of our human nature. However, being a believer does not remove our human nature. On the contrary, it probably makes our human nature so much more in our face.

Have you ever done something, be it large or small, that was solely an act of your human nature? Something even out of character for your character and personality? Something that surprised you? Upon coming face to face with the reality of that ‘something’ was your spirit grieved for what you had done?

I remember during my teenage and young adult years I would often hear powerful testimonies from people who had come to faith in Christ through a powerful conversion, having had a real ‘Damascus Road’ kind of turning their back on sin and turning wholly to God. So many testimonies of someone who were living lives of crime, drugs, prostitution, gang involvement, total abandon of God. But then, through a person, or an event, or even a whacked out drug trip, they came face to face with the one true God and their life was never the same. When I heard those testimonies (and believe me, am I ever grateful for such testimonies), it was clear to me how real Jesus was to the people who were speaking. How intensely they had felt the burden of their sin, and how equally intensely they had felt the joy of salvation and forgiveness. At times I would have a twinge of jealousy. Not jealousy at their former life, or even their testimony story. But at their ability to fully know intellectually, emotionally and spiritually the impact of their salvation and the free gift of God’s forgiveness. Having grown up in a strong Christian home (thank you mom and dad!) and becoming a believer as a child, the depth of my sin and thus the height of my joy of salvation seemed to pale in comparison.

While I haven’t suddenly joined the ranks of the criminals, drug abusers, killers, gang-bangers, or prostitutes out there (are you all breathing a sigh of relief?), the ‘something’ I did recently was so contrary to who I am and who God calls me to be that it hit me like a ton of bricks. What initially seemed fairly innocous (the sweet murmurings of Satan), hit me square in the face this morning and my spirit was intensely grieved. The burden and pain of sin that suddenly sat on my shoulders and heart was so heavy it physically felt like something sitting on me. My humanity was so real, and so tenuous and my anger with myself so intense. I brooded much of the morning about the sense of failure and disappointment with myself that had invaded my soul.

But then, there was a conversation with the one I had offended. It was a simple conversation, but one that whispered of the beginnings of reconciliation. Shortly after that I walked outside and warm rays of sunshine hit my face, birds singing in the trees, bright flowers coloring the landscape…all indications of life and life abundantly. Then I got on my car and the radio jumped to life automatically, blaring these very words…

“Because I’m forgiven,
Because I am free
Because of your mercy
And you believe in me.
Because you are my Saviour
Because you are my friend
Your love lifts me higher than
I’ve ever been”

The truth of God’s forgiveness, when we are so undeserving hit me in a way it never had before. In the midst of my heavy heart and contemplation of my human sinful nature I was absolutely dumped on by God’s forgiveness and love. Arms raised to the sky my, my eyes wet with tears of shame commingled with tears of joy I could only get creative enough to say ‘Thank You, Thank You, Thank You’ to the Saviour who brings hope to my world and the world of all who come to know Him.